walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
