he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
