the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
