He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
