Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
