Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
