I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
