the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
