They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
