I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
