your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
