So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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