Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
