everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
