I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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