Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dignity is for republicans.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
