I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
