no, he came in my armpit
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
