I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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