just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
