grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize