Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
