ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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