I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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