Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
