I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't deserve a penis
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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