i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
