new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
