Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
