Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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