Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
