i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
