Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize