Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
