I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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