I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
