As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think people are normalizing furries
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
