Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Vodka?
Forever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
