I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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