I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
