One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
