i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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