and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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