broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
