i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
