oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
