i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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