May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
