dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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