Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Your cock deserves a montage
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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