don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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