she was so not down for the gang bang
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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