I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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