i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
