I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
