I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
